You may be capable, conscientious and respected by colleagues, yet still find it difficult to build assertive confidence when a meeting becomes tense, a client makes an unreasonable request, or someone speaks over you. Afterwards, you might replay the conversation and think of the words you wish you had used. This is not a lack of intelligence or strength. It is often a learned response to pressure, conflict or the fear of disappointing people.
Assertiveness is not about becoming louder, harder or less considerate. It is the ability to express what you think, need or disagree with clearly, while recognising the other person’s right to do the same. For many people, especially those working in demanding London roles, it can feel surprisingly difficult to put into practice.
What assertive confidence actually looks like
People often confuse assertiveness with aggression. Aggression attempts to win at another person’s expense. Passive behaviour avoids discomfort, sometimes at the expense of your own needs. Assertive communication sits between the two: it is direct, respectful and proportionate.
An assertive person can say, “I cannot take that on this week without affecting the agreed deadline,” rather than reluctantly agreeing and becoming overwhelmed. They can ask for clarification when instructions are vague, challenge an assumption without attacking someone, and state a preference without needing to justify it at length.
Confidence matters here, but it does not mean feeling completely calm before every difficult conversation. Assertive confidence means trusting that you can cope with the discomfort of being clear. You may still feel a quickening heartbeat or worry about someone’s reaction. The difference is that those feelings no longer make every decision for you.
Why being assertive can feel so difficult
When clients visit our practice, they could be feeling exhausted from carrying too much at work, anxious about conflict at home, or frustrated by a pattern of agreeing to things they do not want. Often, the visible issue is a difficult conversation. Underneath it may be a much older belief: “If I say no, people will think badly of me”, “I must not make a mistake”, or “My needs are less important than everyone else’s”.
These beliefs can develop for understandable reasons. You may have grown up in an environment where disagreement led to criticism, withdrawal or arguments. You may have learnt to keep the peace, to be the reliable one, or to anticipate everyone else’s needs. In a competitive workplace, perfectionism and fear of judgement can reinforce the same pattern.
The nervous system also plays a part. If your body interprets disagreement as danger, you may freeze, over-explain, apologise repeatedly or agree too quickly. Later, when the pressure has passed, the words become obvious. This is why simply telling yourself to “be more confident” rarely changes the pattern. A useful approach needs to work with both your thinking and your emotional response.
Start with a clearer internal position
Before speaking assertively to someone else, it helps to know what you are actually asking for. Anxiety can make people begin conversations with a vague apology or too much background detail. That can leave the other person unclear about the point, and leave you feeling exposed.
Take a moment to identify the simple facts. What has been requested? What impact will it have? What can you reasonably offer? What is your boundary? Your position does not have to be dramatic to be valid.
For example, instead of thinking, “I have to make them understand how unfair this is,” try: “I need to discuss the workload and agree what can realistically be completed by Friday.” This gives the conversation a practical purpose. It also reduces the pressure to prove that you are right in every respect.
In our practice, we often see clients who… know exactly what they want to say in private but lose access to that clarity when they are facing an authority figure, an impatient colleague or a demanding family member. The work is not about teaching a fixed script for every situation. It is about helping them feel sufficiently settled and secure to use their own voice.
Use language that is brief and specific
Assertive communication is usually more concise than anxious communication. Long explanations may feel safer because they attempt to prevent objections, but they can invite unnecessary debate and leave your main point buried.
A straightforward structure is to name the situation, explain the impact and make a clear request. You might say, “The meeting has moved twice this week, and I need adequate notice to prepare. Could we keep the current time unless there is an urgent reason to change it?”
There is no need to sound rehearsed. The aim is a steady, ordinary tone. Phrases such as “I am not able to”, “I would prefer”, “I need some time to consider that”, and “That does not work for me” can be useful because they do not apologise for having a limit.
It can also help to pause. A pause after you have made your point may feel uncomfortable, particularly if you are used to filling silence. Yet it gives the other person room to respond and stops you from withdrawing your request before they have considered it.
Practise at the right level of difficulty
All people are different, but we see some who may be trying to change years of people-pleasing by starting with their most difficult relationship. That can be too much, too soon. Confidence is more likely to grow through repeated experiences of speaking clearly and discovering that you can tolerate the outcome.
Choose low-stakes opportunities first. Ask for a table you booked rather than accepting an unsuitable one. Tell a colleague that you cannot talk until after a deadline. State a view in a meeting before it has been perfectly formed. These moments may seem small, but they give your mind and body new evidence.
Afterwards, assess the experience fairly. Did the feared consequence actually happen? If somebody was disappointed, were you still able to remain respectful? Was the relationship damaged, or did it simply adjust to a more honest boundary? This reflection is important because anxious thinking tends to treat any discomfort as proof that you have done something wrong.
Be prepared for other people’s reactions
Assertiveness does not guarantee agreement. A reasonable request can still be met with frustration, surprise or negotiation. That does not mean the request was inappropriate.
Some people benefit from your lack of boundaries, even if they are not consciously trying to take advantage. When you become clearer, they may test whether you mean what you say. Staying calm and repeating your position is often more effective than trying to persuade them. For instance: “I understand this is inconvenient. I am still unable to stay late tonight.”
There are situations where directness needs to be handled with care. A workplace with bullying, discrimination or a serious power imbalance may require documented communication, support from HR or advice from an appropriate professional. Assertiveness is not a requirement to manage unacceptable behaviour alone. It is also reasonable to consider personal safety, financial circumstances and the importance of the relationship when deciding how and when to speak.
How hypnotherapy can support confidence work
For some people, practical communication techniques are enough. For others, the reaction is more deeply ingrained: the tight chest before a call, the dread of being judged, or the automatic urge to placate. Cognitive hypnotherapy can help explore the patterns and meanings behind this response in a focused, individual way.
Hypnotherapy is not about someone taking control of your mind or making you behave out of character. It is a collaborative therapeutic process that can help you access a calmer, more flexible state of attention. At City of London Hypnotherapy, sessions are tailored to the person and may draw on approaches such as cognitive hypnotherapy, NLP, EFT and practical relaxation methods where appropriate.
The aim is not to turn a thoughtful person into someone forceful. It is to reduce the automatic anxiety that gets in the way of clear communication, while strengthening the ability to make considered choices. Clients may also use simple exercises between sessions to rehearse situations, notice unhelpful self-talk and build confidence through action.
A useful question before your next difficult conversation is not, “How can I make sure nobody is upset?” It is, “How can I be honest, fair and clear?” That is a more realistic standard, and one you can return to even when confidence feels imperfect.
“If you’re based in London and would like to explore this further, you can get in touch with us.”
